Nothing is inherently good or bad. It's about how you perceive it.

 

You've heard this before, but maybe haven't thought about how it applies to you, or more appropriately, WHEN it could apply to you.

My dad was the youngest of 6 siblings. The other 5 were girls. In June 2012, I went to Vancouver for a cousin's wedding, and my dad's sister was there, but not doing well at all (she would pass away only a few months later). She was never one to hold back what she was thinking; if she had an opinion, or a thought in her head, you were going to hear about it. No filter from brain to mouth. At the out-of-towner's dinner before the wedding, she called me over to chat, and I got this speech: "You're my favorite niece because your father was my favorite sibling. And I'll be honest: You've had a shitty life. I'd be depressed if I was you. Just... Sad. I don't know how you're still smiling. Your dad died without you getting to know, and you were so young, your mom was always so busy with work, you had that issue with your eating, and your siblings come in and out of your life. I don't know how you still smile."

End speech. Okay Auntie Elsa, but tell me how you really feel. Please. Pretty bad, right? Here's the best part, and the point of this blog: I didn't know how awful my life was until she pointed it out to me. It didn't occur to me that I could choose to NOT smile, until she mentioned it. I just thought, "This is my life. Meh. Could be worse. I'm cool with it." (Insert Smile Here)

I am not the point of the story. I'm totally not a hero or extra ordinary (my close friends can vouch for this). I'm not infallible, and I do sometimes frown (my fiancee has seen this rare occurrence). I didn't bring up the anecdote to brag... At all. My life could've happened to anyone (And has! And worse!); MINDSET is the point. Things like death, separation, bullying, etc.aren't inherently good or bad, they're only bad when you give them the connotation of being bad. When you think of death as death and mortality instead of celebrating the life that was, THEN death becomes shitty.

We all have moments where we we think life hates us and that you seem to always be drawing the short straws, but reread this blog, have coffee with your best friends, read a good book, and say "It ain't so bad."

 

"Any idiot can face a crisis - it's day to day living that wears you out." ~Anton Chekhov

No reason for off-season...

The funny thing about the off-season, is that there is no off-season.

Like Santa Clause, the Tooth Fairy, and people who can stop at just one Pop-Tart, the offseason doesn’t exist. I learned this the hard way.

After my 8^th competition in 2005, I gained 30lbs post-show. After my 9^th competition in 2008, I gained 35lbs. After lucky number 10, I put on a whopping 9 pounds. For those of you who’ve struggled with the “post-comp blues” or body dysmorphia in general, you can relate. Whether it’s 3, 30, or 100lbs, not looking the way you did the day of your show is devastating. Realistically, we know that we can’t maintain 5-10% body fat year-round; it’s not healthy, it’s not feasible, it’s not practical, and it certainly doesn’t do you any favors in terms of making improvements from one show to the next. We know all this, but some of us try anyway, and then end up failing miserably, and going horribly off plan in the ensuing weeks because our bodies just don’t want to diet anymore. Err... Hypothetically speaking, of course.

I’m currently sitting in a state of purgatory (and hyperbole, obviously). Due to a series of fortunate (and some UNfortunate) circumstances, including 3 minor back surgeries, a trip to the Middle East, and a bout of food poisoning, I was forced to drop out of the competition I was prepping for. In my head, I was going to compete on October 12, do a photoshoot or two, then slowly transition into my off-season. That was all cut short after my last (surprise) surgery when I was forced to take two weeks off from the gym. With only 6 weeks to the show, there was no way I was going to make it in time. So my “off season” started 6 weeks earlier than anticipated… Which left me confused and puzzled about where to go from there. 

My coach (who is amazing, and understanding, and wonderful, and has the patience of a saint) encouraged me to stick to the plan, and continue getting leaner, albeit it at a much slower pace. He would slowly bring up my calories, lower my cardio, and we’d do a complete body recomposition, but without the pressure of a show in mind. The ultimate goal, he said, is to look my best for Spring 2014.

“Spring 2014”? Isn't that like, 8 months from now? 

I have to reconcile not having a short-term goal anymore, but still adhering to my plan for the sake of my long-term goal. The reason I only put on 9lbs as opposed to 30 was because I had a specific focus after my show in 2012: I knew I wanted to get on stage again in exactly a year, and come back leaner and better than ever. So I re-hired my coach, trained my butt off, and stuck to my plan. In years past, I didn’t know what to do with myself in terms of when to compete again, so I just ate… and ate… and ate. Where’s the incentive to get lean, if you don’t know what you’re getting lean for? (Note: #Faultylogic)

Well now I know, and it's taken me the first 2.5 weeks of my pseudo-off-season to figure it out (Note: I refer to it as "pseudo" because I can't say I've been following my meal plan or cardio protocol 100%.. Err... *Note, again: Euphemism*). The off-season isn't an excuse to gain weight, or get off your meal plan, or slack on your cardio, or let yourself go, or abandon all good-judgement and common sense when it comes to your adherence. From now on, I won't even call it an off-season, because for me, that term has so many connotations that I'm not OK with. Henceforth and forthwith it shall be known as "Physique improvement season." BOOM! Your physique improves and improves and improves, until it's time to diet down, and then VOILA! The brilliance of what you've been doing for the last 6, 8, 10 months is revealed at a compeition. Or at your wedding. Or on a cruise! Wherever your "stage" may be. 

Not having a competition in mind doesn't scare me, confuse me, or puzzle me anymore. I know exactly where I'm headed, how I'm going to get there, the people who'll I'll have around me for the process, and what I'm going to look like at the end of it all. 

BRING IT ON!!!

The Pro, the Pop Tarts and the Pact

I wish I never discovered Pop Tarts. 

Barring that, I wish I'd left them in Grade 7 where they belong. 

Barring THAT, I wish that I never tried to fit one into my macros back in November 2012.

Sigh. 

 I regret Pop Tarts.

I regret you.

For those of you who don't know, I am currently preparing for a bodybuilding show using the "If It Fits Your Macros" method; I'm assigned a specific number of carbs, fat, and protein every day, and I'm allowed to choose whichever foods I like, as long as at the end of the day, I'm at (or below!) those numbers. I started my diet off conservatively, using up my carbs with lots of broccoli, brown rice, sweet potatoes and oatmeal. Slowly, I added in sugar cereal and bagels post workout. Then, Pop Tarts. 

It all went downhill from there.

On June 27, I made a public declaration (read: announced on Facebook), that I was giving up my beloved sugary chemical awesomeness, because every day that I had one, I felt like I was setting myself up for failure. I'd start to crave the sugar, the frosting, the filling - It wasn't normal. I'm not kidding. I started YEARING (no exaggeration) for sugar daily; a craving I hadn't experienced since my last contest prep in 2012, when my calories were low, and I would've eaten a Kleenex covered in Splenda just to satisfy my need for sweetness. I figured I was better off cutting them out cold turkey, then weaning myself off. Not to mention, it's embarassing to admit that you have to wean yourself off Pop Tarts. So cold turkey it was.

 Yes, this was my post. Yes, I refer to Pop Tarts as "dangerous."

I got the most amazing, indescribably thoughtful outpouring of support from my friends, fellow competitors, the promoter of the bodybuilding competition herself, and anyone who understood what this sugar addiction was about.

One message that came through, however, was from an IFBB Bikini Pro whom I'd never spoken with (That's a lie: I was covering a show she competed in, and when she asked for feedback, I told her that her hamstrings were holding water. THAT was the only time we'd spoken; and I didn't think I'd left a great impression). Anyway, she told me she empathized with my situation, and asked if I "wanted a non poptart buddy for support, I'll happily do it with you. seriously." After I picked my jaw up on the floor, I politely declined, letting her know it was a generous offer, but I'd never ask that of someone... Especially someone who'd done so well on a diet that was obviously working! She had her pro card. She was eating pop tarts. She didn't need to give up one of the 4 food groups for me. I was flattered, but "No, thank you." She insisted. I caved. *click "That was Easy" button*

We agreed to email each other literally every single day with either pictures of our food, or a breakdown of the menu items. EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. For 28 days. We were allowed to cheat/go over our macros, but ideally, it wouldn't be with refined sugar, and it DEFINITELY wouldn't be with a Pop Tart. Starting on June 29, it was Game-on. We missed MAYBE 1 or 2 days out of the 28, but all in all, we both stuck to the promise religiously, and were on top of the situation. Speaking from my point of view, the last 4 weeks were some of the smoothest I've encountered in any of my last 10 contest preps. Not just feeling accountable to a coach in terms of getting your spreadsheets and progress shots in on time, but having to be accountable to a contemporary via pictures and words and TRUST (most importantly), makes a world of a difference. There's no room for error. No room for "fixing it later" or "doing better tomorrow." I had someone on the other end of the computer waiting for me, reviewing my actions DAILY, judging me, and most importantly, making sure I was the best me that I could be. And I was that person for them.

Fast forward to today, July 29... 32 days after making the original pact. We shared our first bite of victory. Not only symbolizing victory over the sugar addiction (which was more my shtick than hers), but victory over that little voice that says, "You can't", "You won't", "You're not good enough". 

We won.

This is a post about the word "enough"

You'd probably expect this post to be about the Toronto Pro Supershow (which I attended/covered for Muscle Insider), and how it was probably one of the Top 3 weekends of my life up to this point. Or about how the athletes were incredibly motivational to watch on stage and meet in real life. Or about how I bought a tank top that says: "Suns Out, Guns Out", and I refuse to wear anything else from now on.
 
Well, in a perfect world I would write about those things. But if you've been reading this blog for ANY amount of time, you know I always do what you're least expecting. So instead, we're going to talk about how inspiration can come from the most random instances or occurrences, how life's sense of timing is never a coincidence, and how the word "enough" keeps me from getting on stage time after time, and utterly sucks to have in your vocabulary.

This weekend I ran into a ton of people that I rarely get to see, and usually it's only at these kinds of big events, which happen a couple of times a year. One such person is an old friend of mine. The times we've hung out, he's never been afraid to tell me what he really thinks. One of those "No-holds-barred", "Call 'em like you see 'em" types, whose honesty I have always appreciated, especially as it relates to my career, competitive plans, and physique. Prior to yesterday, we hadn't seen each other in about a year and a half, so obviously one of his first questions was about my plan to compete this year. He asked if I was going into figure. I stared at him, and burst out laughing. Then he started laughing, too. We both know I'll never get into clear heels and T-walk myself across a stage like an elegant, poised lady (Picture Sandra Bullock in a pink dress falling on her face after being put in heels in Miss Congeniality - you feel me?). He told me I was built for the figure category. I explained "While that may be, I can't bring myself to do it. I'm too keen on extreme conditioning and muscle mass." He proceeded to tell me I'd never be big enough, and thus, never hold my own against other female bodybuilders.

Edit: For the record, I wasn't offended! Not even close to taking it personally. Serious face. I know he's correct, and I'll admit it to anyone. I hate carrying extra size (after getting up to 180lbs last off-season, I refuse to weigh more than 155-157 again), and it's going to be my downfall...

He THEN said, "You also won't be conditioned enough. You never take that extra step. You go far ENOUGH to stay lean and in fantastic shape, but your body doesn't change. You push hard ENOUGH, you diet hard ENOUGH, and you do ENOUGH cardio, but only ENOUGH to keep yourself happy - not enough to take the extra step for the conditioning you want. You let life get in the way, you let things distract you, and that's OK with you. You diet until it gets hard, you do cardio until you get bored, and you never push past that point." Now, he didn't say all of this at once (I did manage to get some words in edgewise), and he didn't say ANY of it to hurt me. He said it because he wants me to see me do well. The reason I'm blogging about this experience, as unfortunate as it sounds to admit 'out loud', is because it's true. My friend hit the nail on the head with me. And it sucks BIG TIME to know/hear 8 weeks out from a show.

Here's where timing makes things fortuitous: I sat down for a heart-to-heart with a professional competitor who only recently began to hit her stride in the industry. Only recently has she really started gaining a ton of momentum, and just kicking ass at shows. I asked her what changed, what her secret was, and she said, "I got my mind right. I started liking what I was doing." She explained that she'd been going through the motions for 6 years, but recently she found a renewed passion, incentive, raison d'etre, if you will. The funny/ironic part was that she told me she thought it was cool and admirable that I figured out at such a young age what I wanted, put my heart and soul into it, and that I was still determined to do it (I explained the part about loving female bodybuilding despite it not REALLY being the ideal category for me). So there was the dichotomy: On the one hand, I am passionate, obsessive (in a good way), train and cardio my heart out, and love the sport with my entire being; but on the other hand, I don't go through the motions. I don't cross all my T's, dot all my I's, or follow my coach's plan down to the gram. Total robot-mode doesn't exist. But I have heart. Cool. A whole lot of good that's doing me... *sarcastic face*

Essentially, this post is an epic vent about how life is confusing and frustrating when you know in your heart what you want, but you can't make your head or body do what they're supposed to do. You can't turn off that feeling that it's OK to just be 'good ENOUGH ' on stage... To just want to coast through your prep in order to avoid the hunger/2-a-days/HIIT... To be comfortable ENOUGH with your body that the impetus for change never really comes, or drives you to be better or push harder.

Being ENOUGH sucks. Don't settle for enough, ever.

"The extra mile is a vast, unpopulated wasteland.

Everyone says they go the extra mile. Almost no one actually does. Most people
who go there think, "Wait... no one else is here... why am I doing this?" and
leave, never to return.

That's why the extra mile is such a lonely place.

That's also why the extra mile is a place filled with opportunities.
Every time you do something, think of one extra thing you can do--especially if
other people aren't doing that one thing. Sure, it's hard.
But that's what will make you different.

And over time, that's what will make you incredibly successful."
-Jeff Haden

 
Potentially 8 weeks out as of yesterday, but these are from last week... merp.

More psychology, life, and smiling...

In French, it's called "Joie De Vivre." In Hebrew, "Simchas HaChaim." On thesaurus.com, they refer to it as "Gladfulness" (there's no way that's an actual word).

Last Tuesday, I went to see Jillian Michaels as part of her "Maximize Your Life" tour. Aside from the life lessons, exercise advice, and nutrition tips I came away with, two aspects of the talk really stuck out for me.

The first, was this woman's energy. Don't get me wrong, I was hanging on her every word, but HOW she was delivering those words was almost as important as what she was saying. She is one of the most dynamic presenters I've ever seen. She utilized the stage more like a personal trainer than a motivational speaker - running and lunging from left to right, animated and chalk full of energy. But I'm not just talking about physical energy, but I'm referring to that new-agey, auric,  hipster, "You-Have-Good-Energy" type energy. The kind of energy you feed off of. And she SMILED! Holy crap did she smile! Big, huge, "I'M SO HAPPY TO BE HERE WITH YOU!!!!" smiles. She was engaged and engaging. She was up on the stage presenting as one of the most successful personalities in her industry, but at the same time, spoke as though she was just the girl next door - down to earth and relatable. She had this "joie de vivre" and "je ne sais quois" that made you want to listen. Even if you didn't agree with all her viewpoints, or didn't buy everything she was selling, the passion she exuded was what kept you listening.

I obviously can't speak to her personality off-stage or on the Biggest Loser set, but if she's anything in real life like she is on stage, then I urge you to look up the definition of "gladfulness" (I'm still lol'ing), write it down, and go seek out people who possess this quality. I'm not necessarily talking about friends who seem to always see the glass as half full, optimists, or the friends who are super peppy and perky all the time (though those are great people to have around). That's cool and everything, but there's more to it. I'm talking about those individuals who have a quality that starts bubbling from within and they're almost physically incapable of containing it within their body; it explodes (gently), and radiates onto others. You'll know it when you feel it because it's contagious... Infectious... Addictive! This kind of joy, a happiness just from BEING, is a condition of the soul, not the product of our external circumstances. Clue: These people smile for no reason.

I read a psychological study recently that spoke to the "contagiousness" of happiness. “Your happiness depends not just on your choices and actions, but also on the choices and actions of people you don’t even know who are one, two and three degrees removed from you,” said Dr. Nicholas A. Christakis, a physician and social scientist at Harvard Medical School and an author of the study. “There’s kind of an emotional quiet riot that occurs and takes on a life of its own, that people themselves may be unaware of. Emotions have a collective existence — they are not just an individual phenomenon.” These people make you happy, and your happiness affects others. How amazing is that?! By hanging around these people, you turn into a vehicle to pass that on to someone else! WILD!!!

"Energy generator" = A person who produces large amounts of energy; but it's that aura-type of energy, not actually bubbly crazy people. I read in some articles that these "Generators" are bottomless pits. They're called generators because they give, but never seem to lose power as a result. You know those times when you say to a friend, "I didn't tell you XYZ because I know you have a lot going on, and I didn't want you bring you down more." These generators aren't brought down by that - they're sympathetic and in your life for a reason: To help keep you going! Use them if you have them. Note: They may even be too energetic for you (but their heart is in the right place).

The reason this is relevant to bodybuilding is because like I said in my last post, our industry is often mistaken for being catty, self-absorbed, dog-eat-dog, selfish, and full of egotistical "energy vampires" (who are the opposite of the "energy generators" I'm talking about). While that's not EXACTLY the case, it's not entirely UNTRUE either. If you can hook up with a few solid people who make you feel good, regenerate you, and raise you up instead of bring you down, then you're so much more likely to succeed in your endeavors - whatever they may be. You're more likely to stick to a diet if you tell someone about it. You're more likely to follow through with a show if you have a support team behind you. You're more likely to go out and try something new (new class, new coach, new organization, etc.) if you know there are people who won't let you fall. THAT'S why this topic is relevant! So go out and find these people, these "energy generators" (that term was in a study, I don't own the rights to it :-P ), or spend time with the ones you have! YOU DESERVE TO SMILE/LAUGH/HAVE A GOOD TIME!


I'm saving the second point she made for my next Blog. That one I liked because, for me personally, it related to my bodybuilding journey. It's about worthiness and being deserving, and relates to a quote that goes something like: "Be one of the valiant few who looks at their dreams and says, instead of "Why me?" --> "Why NOT me?" and then goes for it!"

Here's the requisite "This-is-a-bodybuilding-blog-after-all" stuff:

Potentially 9 weeks out...

 

For my standards, I'm a little behind. I would've liked to be 3-4lbs leaner than what you see here. I know it sounds like an arbitrary number, but I'm sitting exactly where I was at the 9 week out mark from my last show... And we all know how that went. So if I could've just beat my conditioning by 3-4lbs at the same point for this show, then I'd be more content. Either way, still plugging along. Holla. Xo.

And now for something completely different...

"If you shut up, listen, and watch long enough, your mouth will know what to say when it's time to speak."

Whenever I decide to read a sociology/human behavior book, or spend a lot of time around a group of people, my brain kicks into overdrive. I get excited. I truly believe that the reason I became a personal trainer is because I didn't have the patience to get my Ph.D in Psychology... And i <3 muscles. 

Thankfully, I get the best of both worlds, as my job affords me the to opportunity to meet an extravagant number of people that I'd never have the pleasure, and in some cases privilege, of coming across if I wasn't involved in the fitness industry.

When I get to spend time with people, especially my friends, I regret that there are only 24 hours in a day, and only 7 days in a week. And that some people hate being interrogated. If I could devote my life to being a professional "people meeter" (what?), I'd do that for a living in a second. In an industry that's so often chastised and rebuked for being socially insular and having a self-seeking attitude, there is actually an abundance of people who genuinely care and want to listen instead of talk. Ironically, THOSE people are often the one's with the most insight and perspective to impart. Those are the people I want to sit down with. For the record: I'm not claiming to be one of those interestING people; I'm claiming to be one of the interesTED people. Just clarifying.

Now, with that positive "A stranger is a friend you haven't met" speech out of the way, I want to share something interesting I read. 'Dunbar's Number': "A suggested cognitive limit to the number of people with whom one can maintain stable social relationships. These are relationships in which an individual knows who each person is, and how each person relates to every other person." In layman's terms, we have a limited number of space in our lives for people. That number is 150. "Dunbar has argued that 150 would be the mean group size only for communities with a very high incentive to remain together. For a group of this size to remain cohesive, Dunbar speculated that as much as 42% of the group's time would have to be devoted to social grooming." In layman's terms, if you want to stay close to those 150 people, almost half your time has to be devoted to staying in touch with those people. What?! Who has that kind of time?!

Whoa. Heavy, right? You can be friends with 150 people at any given time. 150 people may sound like a lot, but check out your Facebook friends list. Check out how many people you follow on Twitter/Instagram. Check out your family tree. Check out your text message history. Relatively speaking, it doesn't seem like a lot anymore, does it? It's said that we make a first impression within the first 3 to 30 seconds. You have half a minute to decide if someone's going to wriggle into your 150. I had an awesome talk with a close friend about the use of the words "friend", "best friend", "acquaintance", etc. He said, "We overuse the word BEST. Best is a superlative. There can only be one "best", that's the point of making it the BEST! Count how many people you ACTUALLY see regularly on purpose. Count how many people you purposely go out of your way to make time for. Count how many people whose friendship you'd fight for." Now YOU think about it... Think about how many "BEST" friends you have... Think about my friend's idea... Maybe you've just freed up a little space in your 150...? Or maybe you didn't! Maybe you still have 5 best friends. I think I do. And they range from people I've known for 20 years, to people who may have just come into my life.

I'm not trying to break up friendships here, or make you reevaluate your priorities - G-d forbid. If anything, maybe you'll value the last 5 or 10 people you texted a little bit more, because those 5 are 5 out of only 150 in your important social network. All I'm saying is cherish the people who cherish you. Spend more time (in person, if you can) with the ones who make you feel important (because you are, and you deserve to hear it from them!), who spend more time listening than talking (because you're interesting!), who are genuine, who would go out of their way for you, and who would fight for your friendship (because it's worth it!).

You only have 150 attachments at your disposal.
Make every one count.

And just because this is a contest prep blog...

Requisite abs shot
May 16 2013

Wouldn't you know it...

The universe wants this to happen, evidently.

157.4

I'm lol'ing. Really.

11 weeks out!!! (But really "11 weeks out???")

In my last post, I went into great length about being addicted to numbers - specifically that I go by the scale to gauge progress. If you haven't read it, you might want to go back and check that one out. It's one of the most honest, candid and poignant posts I've ever made. I stand by it, and will continue to, for as long as I compete.

Back to the point of this blog: Funny story about scale numbers - They'll mess with you.

They mess with me.

You'd think that you if you were contest prepping, then seeing a loss on the scale would be encouraging, reassuring, motivating and (insert entire thesaurus.com list of similar adjectives here). You'd THINK, right? See, that doesn't always work with me. Sure, when I see a scale drop, I get as excited as the next competitor. BUT, if you've read the last 3 blog posts, you'll know that I'm ANYTHING BUT "the next competitor." My head doesn't work like that. I don't think like the average competitor, who just turns on "Contest Prep Mode"/"Beast Mode". I can't. I get from Point A to B via the most convoluted, unique, potentially destructive route. 

You think I'm lying... I'm not. THIS is me.

When it comes to the scale, sometimes I'll see the drop and think, "Hmm... Can I cheat today, rely on my metabolism to not screw me over tomorrow, and just hope I'm in a deficit at the end of the week? I still have 5-6 days to fix it." Do any of you cheat and then just fix it? Do I suck because I think like this?

Merp. How messed up is that?!

If you're still reading, and still shaking your head and wondering why I'm doing this to myself, let me explain:

Read it again. And again. And again until is sinks in, and you find out what YOUR "something" is; the something YOU can't go a day without thinking about. Is it a significant other? A parent? Competing? That picture is me in a nutshell. I'm a "one track mind, Never Say Die, do what you need do to to get it done, you miss 100% of the shots you don't take, epically cliche" person with the heart and soul of a competitor since the first time I stepped on a bodybuilding stage (even if it doesn't currently look like it or sound like it). Who goes through this much emotional and physical turmoil for a sport? Do we all do it, but it manifests differently in each of us? Are my struggles common? Is my breed of competitor less rare than I think? I wouldn't be so honest and open in my blog posts, nor would I let myself get so worked up about this week after week, month after month, if this sport didn't mean the world to me. If this is the sport I wanted to affiliate myself with both professionally and recreationally. THIS is it for me. So when you wonder why I do this to myself, you have your answer.

Taken at 12 weeks out - May 4 2013

May 4 2013

 

No filter. Why not?

In case you haven't been confused enough, let me explain why this week was interesting. I am OCD about recording numbers throughout my contest prep. By "numbers" here, I mean:  Training poundages and Cardio minutes, Macronutrients (carbs, protein, fat), weight, bodyfat and measurements. OCD, I TELL YOU! So for my last prep, from April 27 until October 13 2012, I knew exactly where I stood physically. Every week, from 25 weeks out until show day, I knew what I weighed. So on the eve (it's Friday night) of being 11 weeks out, I can see that if I weigh-in at (or below) 158.4lbs, I will be exactly where I was at 11 weeks out for my LAST show (When people say "Compare yourself to no one else but yourself", I take it literally). Until this point, until tonight, I have LITERALLY been aiming to be exactly where I was at this many weeks out last year. Now, with that said, I would consider this practice detrimental, given that I placed LAST at my show in October. Oops.

I made a bet with myself last week: I said, if I was at or below 158.4 by 11 weeks out, then I wouldn't give up on this prep - I would see it through until the end. There would be no reason to give up because I know I'd AT LEAST come in the same condition I did last year, which isn't bad, but isn't great either. Regardless, the point is, I promised myself I wouldn't bail or give up on the next 11 weeks, and give my entire self over to 77 days of contest prep, as they were meant to be. Do you see how skewed this logic is?! So do I. Don't judge.

Well... it's not Saturday, yet. So cross your fingers for me people, that I'm at (or below) 158.4 tomorrow morning ;) If I'm under, you're going to see some ridiculous changes and blog posts for the next little while. If I'm over, you're not going to see much ;)

Another blog about scales?!

There are going to be some graphic images in this post; I'm not saying this to scare you, but remember, I'm trying to give the unadulterated version of my thoughts... so bare with me.

We've all seen the following cartoons in some form or another, right?

 

They're not "Ha-Ha" funny cartoons, but rather, "Art imitating life" accurate pictorials that are relevant in our competitive world, to both women AND men. This is a VERY real scenario. 

We're told all the time in our industry, and by our coaches, that the scale isn't everything. Everyone and their mother, from SHAPE to Oxygen to FLEX, has written a blog post about how your weight doesn't tell the whole story, how it doesn't reflect 100% of your progress, how you shouldn't put all your faith in what the number reads, how you should use the mirror/measurements/clothes/intuition, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera...

But what about when THIS cartoon happens in real life? What about when THIS is your life? When THIS is what you ACTUALLY see in the mirror? THIS is what's staring back at you 

Summer of 2005 (2006?)

Ya, we're not having fun anymore, are we? This isn't a cartoon anymore, is it? I'm not taking this lightly, so please, don't think I'm making a joke of a very SERIOUS illness. But tell me: If you were me, how would you go about approaching contest prep? When you and the mirror haven't exactly seen eye to eye since you were 11, and really, the scale is the only concrete, objective thing you have going for you, how do you respond to the bloggers and coaches? Those pictures above are accurate reflections of the female cartoon I posted on top: Girl sees self in mirror, self isn't REALLY self, girl diets down HOPING to see real self, girl almost kills self.

What do you do when only 5 short years ago, THOSE pictures above were your reality, and now, the pictures below are what you live with? Kind of messes with your mind, doesn't it? For anyone who's ever lost an insane amount of weight, but still sees that "fat girl" in the mirror, I know you feel me. For any competitor who's taken some time off to have a baby or just take an extended off-season, I know YOU feel me! So now, I have this body staring me in the face. Now THESE pictures show my reality.

June 2012

You see where the problem lies? I have NO idea what I look like. It sounds funny, right? Maybe even a little cliche? Ya, not so funny when it's you. I spent so many years of my life seeing myself one way (but technically not actually seeing what was in the mirror), and now, I'm supposed to see something else... that may or may not even be there this time around! There are days I feel like I'm looking at a fun-house mirror like, "That can't be me. WTF?!" Thankfully, my "normal" days are more frequent than my others, and I don't spend an abnormal amount of time in from of the mirror, but come contest dieting time, I might as well not own one. I send my pictures to my coach, get on my scale, and c'est la vie. Personally, the scale is all I go by. It's all I CAN go by. The mirror has lied to me almost my entire life - it's not about to start being truthful now, I can guarantee you that.  So save the reassuring talks for someone else. I need my numbers. 

March/April 2013 - Me currently.
Don't even know why I'm using the mirror

Just for the record: I am 100% recovered. I put in my dues in hospital (two times), in the outpatient circuit (once), and intensive psychiatry (twice). It's why I'm able to carry on a perfectly functional, normal life as a personal trainer and competitive bodybuilder. I eat out with friends, I drink on occasion, and I am not obsessed with calories (when I'm not prepping). I am over that phase of my life, and have no desire, intention, or temptation to ever revisit it. There. Done. Said.

What I've been missing...

If you compete, then you know that the key strategy to get on stage is to turn yourself into an automaton for 12, 16, 20, 32 weeks.

The women I met at the Mike Davies Fitness Bootcamp last weekend were remarkable. These competitors, both amateur and professional, LIVE this sport day in and day out, both night and day, weekends and weekdays. It was so REAL, inspiring and amazing to see their dedication up close and personally. I got the chance to pick the brains of a couple Pros, and really, I saw the difference in intensity and dedication between them and myself. I saw what I'm missing: I can diet, I can stop going out with friends at night for 12 weeks so that I get enough sleep, and I can delay date night with my boyfriend just to do cardio. The difference I found, is the sense of urgency. I have no problem pushing things off. If, during prep, I am craving ice cream, I'll have the whole pint, all the while thinking to myself "The stage will always be there. If this sets me back, it's fine, I'll just pick a later show." And I'll do that over and over again. So, while this mentality is logical, and totally fair, it doesn't get me any closer to the stage. In fact, it gets me further and further away each time it happens. Since October 2012, I have pushed back 3 shows. 3!!! One in November 2012, one in April 2013, and one in June 2013. Each time, I was left with a feeling of sadness and disappointment.

I spoke to an IFBB Fitness Pro (whom I have the utmost respect and admiration for) who told me she is taking the rest of 2013 off to improve herself for 2014! A whole year without doing a show, just to make herself better! In my opinion, this shows more dedication than actually dieting for a show. Think about it: You step away from something you LOVE for a period of time, BECAUSE you love it, and want to be your best for it. That's incredibly challenging emotionally and physically. So if she can do that for 12 months, why can't I just get my head in the game for 3...? BAH! Holy Hell! I don't have the willpower to give up Pop-Tarts for a DAY, and this women is sacrificing for a YEAR for the sport! See! That's the difference I'm talking about.  

So the million dollar question, then, becomes "How do I learn to sacrifice what I want NOW, for what I want MOST?" I guess I have just under 13 weeks to figure it out, eh? Merp.

Still have a little pooch, but a solid 4 pack

Offseason abs... err, 13 weeks out abs...?

 


I took measurements this morning so I'll post them along with accountability pictures before the end of the week. I really hope I don't lose any followers with the "Work in Progress" physique ;-)

This one time, at Mike Davies Fitness Camp...

The beginning is as good a place to start as any.

But I'd rather not. Under normal circumstances, given this is a new blog, I'd probably go into some long, drawn-out history about my family, my eating disorder, how I got started in the fitness industry, and anything else I feel like you should know if you want to start reading about me and following my journey. At this particular moment though, I don't have the patience. Google Me. In the meantime, hope you can be content with a "selfie" from last week in my bathroom.  

The reason I'm starting an online blog is because typing is much easier than writing by hand in a journal, and I'm on the computer more often than I'm in front of a pad of paper. In addition, writing my thoughts down in my little notebook, albeit more private, isn't what I'm about. For the last couple of years, my life has been an open book. People ask, I answer. Even when they don't ask, I answer anyway. See, while I'm only 25, and don't claim to have grown up "on the wrong side of the tracks" or lived a "hard knock life", I have been dealt a couple bad hands. I'm not afraid to expose myself (I guess both physically and emotionally). The way I see it, I'm not the only one who has ever experienced hardship at the hands of the Man Upstairs, but I am willing to be the voice of those people who don't feel like talking about it. The ones who can't find someone in their real life to relate to, or who think they're the only ones going through adversity. This blog is for those people.

My goal is to show the rough side of this sport. The side you don't often see when you look at professional physique athletes. The binges, the self-sabotage, the isolation, and the tough losses. In all honesty, I have competed 10 times, I'm one of the Top 20 trainers in Canada, and I train under a couple of the best/brightest coaches in the industry - AND I STILL MESS UP! Consistently. That's what this blog is for - to talk to you guys about it, and eventually get over it and get on stage.
I guess I'm not portraying my sport/passion in the best light, eh? Well, I can assure you it has its upsides, too... Like the fact that I can include IFBB Pros among the friends I've made in this industry (hello, name-dropping!)

This weekend, I attended Mike Davies' Fitness Factory Bootcamp on behalf of Muscle Insider magazine. Seeing all those women, IFBB Pros and amateurs alike, and being around that kind of competitive energy, just lit a huge fire under my ass. Seeing how seriously these women take their contest diets/training programs, including the Pros who are in their off-season (which is just as important as the dieting phase!), helped me solidify where I want my competitive career to go. Guess that'll be the topic of the next blog ;-) Til then...


** I will be posting accountability pics/weight weekly from now until my show. If I can't get half naked in front of you guys, how will I be able to do it in front of an audience of people?!