So I wrote an ebook...

Excerpt: 

"The hardest part about having an eating disorder is learning how NOT to have one.
My story began when I was 11 and started my first diet. The apex was at 15-17 when I got hospitalized 3 times, and it ends when... Well, when I know, you'll know."

"Will I ever be able to REALLY see what's in the mirror? Perhaps not - at least not from the neck down. The mirror and I may have our differences, but the smile I carry from the neck up tells me that's OK.
And that's what qualifies me to write a book about motivation and inspiration; because I've been where you are, and I'm still on my journey. So let's do this together!"

Chapters include: 
Why Though, Finding Your Why, Commit to Something, Screw the Scale, Don't Dabble, 

Holla at me if you're interested!

Paypal me with your email address, and I'll send you a PDF with the book! If you don't have paypal, DM me on Instagram for another option.

Stop Getting in Your Own way

"Self handicapping is a cognitive strategy by which people avoid effort in the hopes of keeping potential failure from hurting self-esteem." According to psychologists, people find possible reasons for failing before they even try, in order to make failure (if it happens) easier to explain. You tell yourself on Tuesday that you're not going to do well on your check-in with your trainer this week because you have a party on Saturday and you know you're going to cheat. Or, you'll tell yourself that you probably won't get that raise because your bosses like some other guy in your department more. In both these cases, you've 'padded' your self-esteem with an excuse, which means that you won't feel as bad if you don't get it.

What the f***?! Why don't think you deserve that raise as much as the next guy? Why does one day of wings have to derail an entire week of progress? Says whom?

Me, looking for my goals, longingly

Another strategy people use is something called "task discounting", where we belittle the task in the first place so that failure won't hurt as much. "Fat loss isn't that important," we say to ourselves, "It's all about how you feel, anyway."  Except fat loss IS important to you, and you DO want to feel comfortable in your own skin. When you discount the task, you don't stand up for yourself, and you don't try as hard when it comes to being adherent to your goals. According to one behavioural economist, "The fear of failure can lead to failure in the same way that the fear of judgement can be self-fulfilling."

Why do these constructs even exist? And is it the fear of failure that really gets to us, or fear of success?

What I mean is, are you scared that you're not actually going to lose the weight (or gain muscle, or run a marathon, or whatever your goal is), or are you scared that once you do lose the weight, it won't be as amazing and magical as you expected, and it won't fill that void in your soul? This blog isn't about the WHY behind your goals though, it's about how you need to just cut the shit, and stop getting in your own way.

If you're a self-handicapper, STOP. You DO deserve everything you want, and you can get it by working hard.

If you're a task discounter, STOP. Your goals are important, and hold meaning/value. So there's no reason to diminish them.

I am not a bird. I just have a lot of feelings.

In sacred ancient mythology, the colorful phoenix birds ends their life cycle by bursting into flames, and miraculously, from their own ashes, a fiery bird is reborn. It’s immortal – And a symbol of rebirth, immortality, and renewal.

I’m a bodybuilder/Crossfitter/Girlfriend/Daughter/best friend. Not a bird. I’m pretty sure I just have one life cycle, and I’m definitely sure I haven’t come to the end of it. But I empathize with the bird because so many times in my own life, within my various roles, I feel like I've crashed and burned. And yet, here I am. In fact, I’m just beginning my next phase. 

I’ve plagiarized before, and I’ll do it again, because my own words aren’t as eloquent or concise as those of strength and conditioning coach, and writer extraordinaire, Chris Shugart. In his own adaptation of “The Phoenix Theory”, Shugart states that “Those who make jaw-dropping physical changes usually follow the same basic path of the phoenix (sic):

The Phoenix Theory of body-transformation involves four key stages:
1) A traumatic event leading to a sudden realization and awakening.
2) Anger and a firm decision to change
3) The physical transformation itself
4) Continued progress fuelled by fear of regression."

This is my mad face.

Now can you start to see where I’m going with my blog? Wait for it though, don't kill the surprise... 

I know for a fact that we’ve all hit steps 1 or 2 in our lives, at least when it comes to dieting. New year’s Eve comes, we promise ourselves we’ll lose 20lbs this year, and start out determined enough to do it… Until we fizzle out around either step 2 or 3; which means we don't make it to Step 4. Either we don’t get angry enough, and therefore the decision isn’t firm enough (see my IG post about commitment here), OR, we realize the actual physical transformation is a lot more difficult and time-consuming than it was in our heads, so we give up, and tell ourselves we’re “happy enough." What does that even mean!? What is "happy enough"? Is that a euphemism for complacent? *shudders*

I’ve been a New Years Resolutioner. I’ve also been a competitive amateur bodybuilder. I’ve also been anorexic. Let me reassure you that each and every label took on its own form of Phoenix Theory. Step 1: At 11 years of age, I underwent a traumatic event, and realized it was time to start my first diet. Step 2: At 16, I made a firm decision to get my 5’7” frame below 100lbs (ended up hospitalized). At 17, I had I vow to build enough muscle to actually be competitive on stage at my first show. Step 3: At 21, I had to make a physical transformation that took me from the depths of hell (near death at 95lbs), up to a healthy weight and lifestyle, and then diet down to compete in my 9th bodybuilding show. But now, we've safely arrived as another incarnation of the Phoenix at Step 4: 30 years old, recovered for 9 years, and ready to continue that progress... 

Although every day has it's own challenges (whether in life, love, or the gym), I realize there's no battle too big. And even if something overwhelming comes over me, there's nothing wrong with a little fire. It could be what you need to *spark* change (see what I did there?)

For more motivation, follow me on IG, and hit me up in the DMs. Happy to help with inspiration, training, diet, workouts; whatever you need.

How many likes until You love yourself

Recently, I was asked on my Instagram page, "How many likes will it take until you love yourself?"

"Ex-squeeze me? Baking powder?"

Oh honey... It's taken me 30 years to love myself. I loved myself long before Instagram was a thing. I was at peace with myself before the "Like" button was just a twinkle in Mark Zuckerber's eye. See, I had to work long and hard to get to where I am now. From the time I was 11, I've struggled with my eating and more importantly, my body image. They were tied into one another of course, but still, the sooner I tackled one, the sooner I could rid myself of the other.

I was in therapy from 14-29, specifically to learn how to love myself. So, b*tch please. Don't ask me how many LIKES it will take until I love myself. It took 10 years of battling an eating disorder, 15 years of therapy, and a countless series of ego-driven, short-term, trivial relationships that validated my physical appearance, in order to learn to be OK with me.

Looking for likes

Why/when did we become obsessed with likes on social media? And why do people automatically assume that because someone has 10, 20, or 100k followers, that they NEED the attention from people online? What if I just like you guys? What if I'm just one of those people who likes hearing themselves talk, or, G-d forbid, inspiring people through the written word and accompanying pictures. People definitely do differ in the extent to which they need external approval. Not everyone is aiming for 1,000 likes per photo. 


The most ironic thing about being accused of not loving myself, or being desperate for likes, is that I'm told steadily that people like me because I'm real, raw, vulnerable, and honest. Funny enough, in a study done by sociologists in New Jersey, it was found that "The honesty factor, which included stating that amount of likes are unimportant, and presenting oneself honestly in social media reporting was positively related to extraversion.  Therefore people who are unconcerned with likes and present themselves honestly seem to be more sociable and outgoing as measured on the personality scale." Essentially, people who don't care about likes GET MORE LIKES! 

Captain of Team IDGAF - 11.5k likes

So friends, I say this with the utmost respect, "I'm repping Team IDGAF" when it comes to #InstaFame. I don't understand it, and truthfully, it's all part of an insane algorithm no one understands anyway *eye roll emoji*

(If you want personalized training and diet, that's definitely my jam! Send me a DM from IG and we'll work something out)